Things have been a bit slow on the blog lately, haven’t they? It’s probably nothing new to you guys by now. We all already know that we have this strange relationship were I pop up and bug you for weeks on end before vanishing for a few months. I think we’re all used to that.
But this time it’s different. Because when I got back into my blogging flow back in December, I really wanted to continue into January. And while work and university did get in the way a little… this time that wasn’t the whole story.
I had ideas to write about, stories to tell. But every single time I wrote the title for one of them, I stopped myself. I told myself ‘I can’t write that on here’.
And I know, it’s my blog, and I should post whatever I want. But, and I hate admitting it, there’s somethings I’m scared of being judged about. I’m scared of people I know personally finding a post and seeing I’ve written about them, and not liking what I wrote.
That’s the problem with blogging with your persona out in the open. You’re letting yourself in for all kinds of consequences if you post something ‘risky’. — The name for this blog it’s my legal name, as catchy as it would be if it was. It’s just a nickname. But it includes my real first name, and with my face splayed across the blog, it’d be hellah easy for people to know that it’s me if they found it.
I’ve never actually come out openly to everyone in my real life about my blog. A couple of friends know and read it (hi to the both of you), but the rest of them don’t really know. I don’t publish my posts onto my facebook profile, just on the page specifically made for my blog. My link to this blog is in my instagram bio, but no one I know has ever asked about it, or said they’ve read it, so I can’t say for sure if any of them do. The same goes for my Twitter. — I’m not hiding it, but I’m not openly advertising it either. I’m just sort of… in the middle.
That being said, I hate talking about my blog to people that aren’t bloggers themselves. A couple of tinder matches back in the day have noticed the blog link and asked about it, and I’ve physically cringed at the question. I don’t know how to explain it and be taken seriously.
If I can’t talk about my blog when all I post in non-personal stuff. How the hell would I cope if I posted deeper, heavier content, stories on tinder dates that I think didn’t quite go so well, and these people saw it? Asked me about it? Judged me for it? Sure, in the last case I could use anonymous names for them, but my face is on here. They know me. They know it’s them I’m talking about.
How can I write about the darker times in my life, if my friends read it, and think maybe they didn’t do a good job?
And that’s why, especially now more than ever, I wish I had started this blog anonymously.
Anonymous blogging would mean no one would have a clue that it’s really me behind this blog. It wouldn’t come up if people just happened to put my name into google. The facebook page may come up in my friends suggested because I follow it, but they wouldn’t know the blog is actually mine because my face isn’t on there.
I’d get to write on this thing without filtering. The filtering of deleting so many drafted posts because I realised I’m writing about something I’ve never told anyone in my real life, and I still don’t want them to know. Because I’m writing about someone I know, and I suddenly got the sinking realisation they could see it and give me a big fat bollocking about it. The filter that says if I’m too open about everything that I do in my life, employers may see something they don’t like and there goes my job offer.
But there are reasons why I chose not to be anonymous. And I need to keep remembering them.
I wanted to network, make friends. You can hardly make friends in blogging when you’re anonymous, can you?
When reading things like this, I’ve always found a better connection if I can see the face behind it, too. And I’ve always wanted you guys to feel that kind of connection with me, too. Heartfelt stories are always more heartfelt when you can put a face to the person telling the story. Otherwise sometimes it can seem a bit empty.
I made a decision. And in a way I stand by it. Through all the friends it makes me, and all the times it hinders my creative content.